What's your comment on the 100-word essay?

Question

Currently, there is a trend that more and more high school students choose to study abroad. Regarding its feasibility, a survey has been conducted in our class. 40% of the students are in favor of the idea. On the one hand, by studying abroad, students can receive better education, particularly in terms of foreign language study. On the other, it helps children to live on their own.Others, however, take an opposite view. First, they argue, some students have no clear goals---- they go abroad simply to escape academic pressure. Secondly, studying abroad costs too much, for which many families get into financial difficulty. Worst of all, many teens lack self-discipline, and thus are likely to get lost in a strange environment.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

I have underlined some problems:

Currently, there is a trend that more and more high school students choose to study abroad. Regarding its feasibility, a survey has been conducted in our class. 40% of the students are in favor of the idea. On the one hand, by studying abroad, students can receive better education, particularly in terms of foreign language study. On the other, it helps children to live on their own.

Others, however, take an opposite view. First, they argue, some students have no clear goals-- they go abroad simply to escape academic pressure. Secondly, studying abroad costs too much, for which many families get into financial difficulty. Worst of all, many teens lack self-discipline, and thus are likely to get lost in a strange environment.

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

Can you suggest some better expressions? Thanks!

Mister Micawber · Answer

They are mostly grammar, word choice and punctuation.  Please try to correct the underlined portions, post a revised copy here, and we will check your efforts.

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

Currently, there is a trend that(I can't see errors here) more and more high school students choose to study abroad. Regarding(I can't see errors here) its(I can't see errors here) feasibility, a survey has been(was) conducted in our class. 40% (Forty percent)of the students are in favor of the idea. On the one hand, by studying abroad, students can receive a better education, particularly in terms of foreign language study; on the other, it helps childreortn to live on their own.

Others, however, take an opposite view. First, they argue, some students have no clear goals-- they go abroad simply to escape academic pressure. Secondly, studying abroad costs too much(I can't see errors here), for which(I can't see errors here) many families get into financial difficulty. Worst of all, many teens lack self-discipline, (I can't see errors here)and thus are likely to get lost(disorientated) in a strange environment.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Currently, there is a trend that(I can't see errors here-- 'Trend' + 'that' do not collocate) more and more high school students choose to study abroad. Regarding(I can't see errors here) its(I can't see errors here-- The structure of the phrase is awkward) feasibility, a survey has been(was) conducted in our class. 40% (Forty percent)of the students are in favor of the idea. On the one hand (Wrong idiom), by studying abroad, students can receive a better education, particularly in terms of foreign language study; on the other (Wrong idiom), it helps childreortn to live on their own.

Others, however, take an opposite view. First, they argue, some students have no clear goals-- (M-dash is informal) they go abroad simply to escape academic pressure. Secondly, studying abroad costs too much(I can't see errors here- Wrong adverb), for which(I can't see errors here- Wrong conjunction) many families get into financial difficulty. Worst of all, many teens lack self-discipline, (I can't see errors here -Wrong punctuation)and thus are likely to get lost(disorientated) in a strange environment.

Please try again.

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

What about this version?

Currently, more and more high school students choose to study abroad. As for its feasibility, a survey was conducted in our class.

Forty percent of the students are in favor of the idea. For one thing, by studying abroad, students can receive a better education, particularly in terms of foreign language study; for another, it contributes to children’s independence.

Others, however, take an opposite view. First, they argue, some students have no clear goals—they go abroad simply to escape academic pressure. Secondly, studying abroad is too expensive; as a result, many families get into financial difficulty. Worst of all, many teens lack self-discipline and thus are likely to get disorientated in a strange environment.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Notice in addition how you can eliminate unnecessary words and commas to make the essay smoother, more direct and more fluid:

More and more high school students now choose to study abroad. A survey was conducted in our class to determine its feasibility.

Forty percent of the students are in favor of the idea. For one thing, by studying abroad, students can receive a better education, particularly in foreign language; for another, it contributes to their independence.

However, others take an opposite view. They argue first that some students have no clear goals: they go abroad simply to escape academic pressure. Studying abroad is also very expensive, and many families get into financial difficulty. Worst of all, many teens lack self-discipline and are likely to be disorientated in a strange environment.

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

Thanks! I have done my utmost!

What's your comment on the 100-word essay?

Currently, there is a trend that more and more high school students choose to study abroad. Regarding its feasibility, a survey has been conducted in our class.

40% of the students are in favor of the idea. On the one hand, by studying abroad, students can receive better education, particularly in terms of foreign language study. On the other, it helps children to live on their own.

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