What score would i get out of twenty points?

Question

If you were my English teacher, what would i get out of 20?

333 Dobbins Road
New york, New york 10007

15 October 2008

Ms. Mary Stuart
The Marketing Manager
22 North Avenue
Paramus, New Jersy 60970

Dear Ms. Stuart:

I would very much appreciate your sending information and a booklet on summer homes
advertised in The New Yorker on 28 September 2008. I have enclosed a postage-paid envelope
for your convenient.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon

Sincerely yours,

Sandra T.

BarbaraPA · Accepted Answer

AnonymousIf you were my English teacher, what would i get out of 20?

333 Dobbins Road
New York, NY 10007

October 15, 2008 -- American style, given NY and NJ

Ms. Mary Stuart
~~The~~ Marketing Manager
22 North Avenue
Paramus, NJ 60970

Dear Ms. Stuart:

I would very much appreciate your sending information and the booklet on summer homes
advertised in The New Yorker on September 28, 2008. I have enclosed a postage-paid envelope
for your convenience.

I look forward to hearing from you soon

Sincerely yours,

Sandra T.

I'm not qualifed to provide a score, but these are the changes I would make if it were my letter. I'm assuming it actually mentioned a booklet and you're not simply assuming they have one. It would be helpful to say which area the summer homes were in. It's hard to send a postage-paid envelope when you don't know how much the postage will be (because you don't know what the booklet will weight). I would also simply say "Please send me" instead of "I would very much appreciate your sending" because it's her job and you don't need to bend over so far to be polite when a simple "please" will do.

What score would i get out of twenty points?

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BarbaraPA