Licinio Posted 14 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
text to revise
I'm writing the introduction for a wall calendar illustrated with close-ups of flowers. Here is my text. What do you think?
Shades of soft hues or splashes of intense colours, jagged shapes or perfect geometries, bunches or clusters in plain sight or single flowers that coyly sprout in the shadow, as if afraid to show themselves in the sun. Every year it is a repeated performance, and yet always new. Upon close inspection, flowers bestow upon us other charms that deserve discovering with patience.
There are flowery months and others less so, but a calendar that accompanies us with images of beautiful natural masterpieces serves to remind us of the wonder that were, and of those that will be.
Shades of soft hues or splashes of intense colours, jagged shapes or perfect geometries, bunches or clusters in plain sight or single flowers that coyly sprout in the shadow, as if afraid to show themselves in the sun. Every year it is a repeated performance, and yet always new. Upon close inspection, flowers bestow upon us other charms that deserve discovering with patience.
There are flowery months and others less so, but a calendar that accompanies us with images of beautiful natural masterpieces serves to remind us of the wonder that were, and of those that will be.
Top answer
Rather too flowery as usual, Licinio, but that seems to be your style. 'Bunches' and 'clusters' are essentially synonymous, so delete one or the other, and delete the last comma of the text.
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Rather too flowery as usual, Licinio, but that seems to be your style. 'Bunches' and 'clusters' are essentially synonymous, so delete one or the other, and delete the last comma of the text.
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At least we are in line with the theme of the calendar, flowers! 
Thanks.
Thanks.
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Also, "shadow" should be "shadows", and "accompanies" seems like the wrong word. The calender would have to come along with us on a journey to accompany us, and that's a bit too abstract.
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