Santor Posted 16 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Sonnet
Hello!
I'm not sure if this is the correct place to ask and I surely don't want to bother you - so please feel free to tell me, that I'm wrong in this place for the following problem, if that's the case. Suggestions where to turn to will be gladly accepted.
I'm not a native speaker - my mother tongue is German. I do some poetry in German and it happened, that I was invited to do some in English too. My favorite form is the Sonnet, so I tackled one. Here it is:
You are away. The hour has lost it’s pace.
and teary trices trickle through my skin.
Wherever turns my gaze to: dreary space,
a drop with neither ending nor begin.
You should be here, you promised me! My vice
is just: my trust, my hope, my heartsbeat’s chime!
And were I but a dot it would suffice:
You are, beloved, my very space and time.
But then I see you coming from afar,
a brand new spark within begins to shine
and nearer still you come and there you are:
There is no brighter joy than to divine
the huge new universe, that will arise,
the minute moment you look in my eyes.
My question is about the title, which is a part of line 7: is the usage of the subjunctive in this case correct ("were"). And I would really appreciate any other comments to the Sonnet you might have.
Thanks in advance
Santor
I'm not sure if this is the correct place to ask and I surely don't want to bother you - so please feel free to tell me, that I'm wrong in this place for the following problem, if that's the case. Suggestions where to turn to will be gladly accepted.
I'm not a native speaker - my mother tongue is German. I do some poetry in German and it happened, that I was invited to do some in English too. My favorite form is the Sonnet, so I tackled one. Here it is:
And were I but a dot
You are away. The hour has lost it’s pace.
and teary trices trickle through my skin.
Wherever turns my gaze to: dreary space,
a drop with neither ending nor begin.
You should be here, you promised me! My vice
is just: my trust, my hope, my heartsbeat’s chime!
And were I but a dot it would suffice:
You are, beloved, my very space and time.
But then I see you coming from afar,
a brand new spark within begins to shine
and nearer still you come and there you are:
There is no brighter joy than to divine
the huge new universe, that will arise,
the minute moment you look in my eyes.
My question is about the title, which is a part of line 7: is the usage of the subjunctive in this case correct ("were"). And I would really appreciate any other comments to the Sonnet you might have.
Thanks in advance
Santor
Top answer
Santor And were I but a dot The subjunctive is fine. Welcome to English Forums, Santor. Thanks for joining us!
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SantorAnd were I but a dotThe subjunctive is fine.
Welcome to English Forums, Santor. Thanks for joining us! [<:o)]
Best wishes, - A.
Only the last line has a hiccup in the scan. If the others were not so perfect, one would scarcely notice.
with neither ending nor be
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Thanks for your quick answer!
You are absolutely right - the line is a little bumpy - I pondered and came up with:
a place I tardy lose myself wherein
so the whole Sonnet would be:
You are away. The hour has lost it’s pace.
and teary trices trickle through my skin.
Wherever turns my gaze to: dreary space,
You are absolutely right - the line is a little bumpy - I pondered and came up with:
a place I tardy lose myself wherein
so the whole Sonnet would be:
And were I but a dot
You are away. The hour has lost it’s pace.
and teary trices trickle through my skin.
Wherever turns my gaze to: dreary space,
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No small gain without some great loss. 
I think wherein's use as a conjunction trumps its use as an adverb.
I think wherein's use as a conjunction trumps its use as an adverb.
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Ah, there's that. But, as long as one tries, there might be a chance to minimize the loss. I guess the problem (for me at least) is a good rhyme for skin - so, I thought, what if the trices wouldn't trickle through my skin, that's no precise location anyway, but through my head, which they would do in the end, even if they'd trickle through the skin first.
So I did, what I should have do
So I did, what I should have do
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"Heartsbeat's chime" is a mouthful, isn't it? What's wrong with "heartbeat's"?
There's something about "Wherever turns my gaze to" which sounds redundant.
I realize you need it for the scan.
You come up with alternatives so easily! - or so it seems.
There's something about "Wherever turns my gaze to" which sounds redundant.
I realize you need it for the scan.
You come up with alternatives so easily! - or so it seems.
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julielaiNote: its paceI make that danged mistake at least once a day!
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Hello again,
after a full nights sleep (=3 hours) I think I can handle some more word jiggling. First, thanks julielai for the hint - duly noted. About the other stuff - I confess I had to look up what scan means in this context, so I came up with: referring to rhymed poetry, it means that metrical structure and rhyme are correct. Well, so I checked my very first version again, and well,
after a full nights sleep (=3 hours) I think I can handle some more word jiggling. First, thanks julielai for the hint - duly noted. About the other stuff - I confess I had to look up what scan means in this context, so I came up with: referring to rhymed poetry, it means that metrical structure and rhyme are correct. Well, so I checked my very first version again, and well,
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Hi, Santor,
I'm not a poet by any stretch of the imagination. Well, I may have penned a couple of Limericks in my youth.
I think I learned the term "scan" from my orchestration professor.
I've always distinguished between "rhyme" and "scan," although your definition seems to lump them together.
Poem A rhymes and Poem B scans. The rhyme is correct in poem A, and the sca
I'm not a poet by any stretch of the imagination. Well, I may have penned a couple of Limericks in my youth.
I think I learned the term "scan" from my orchestration professor.
I've always distinguished between "rhyme" and "scan," although your definition seems to lump them together.
Poem A rhymes and Poem B scans. The rhyme is correct in poem A, and the sca
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I don't know a thing about English sonnets and I'll leave wording issues for an expert, but I have a suggestion or two about punctuation. You've used a colon in quite a few places. I've always considered a colon to be rather formal. I suggest using it sparingly, so when you do use one, your readers will notice.
And shouldn't there be more of an emphasis on the last two lines and less on
And shouldn't there be more of an emphasis on the last two lines and less on
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