Anonymous Posted 16 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Re: PARAGRAPH CORRECTION
can everyone check this paragraph please?
It was a gloomy day; the sky was cloudy and the sun refused to show its face. While I was walking, at morning, along the margin of the sea, thinking about my result that year, I met my friend, Manal. She was very sad. When I asked her about the reason for her sadness, she miserably informed me that she had failed this year. I did not know what should I do at this moment except for crying. After that, I hurried out to know my result, but I heard someone says, "wake up, wake up my dear". It was my sister's sound. I woke up trembling; my knees were shaking madly. "What an awful dream" I cried. My sister brought me a glass of water and calmed me down. After having my breakfast, I received the message of my result on my mobile. Once I opened it, I found that I failed. Oh my God! The dream became fact. It was a miserable day. In fact, remembering this day fills my heart with sadness.
It was a gloomy day; the sky was cloudy and the sun refused to show its face. While I was walking, at morning, along the margin of the sea, thinking about my result that year, I met my friend, Manal. She was very sad. When I asked her about the reason for her sadness, she miserably informed me that she had failed this year. I did not know what should I do at this moment except for crying. After that, I hurried out to know my result, but I heard someone says, "wake up, wake up my dear". It was my sister's sound. I woke up trembling; my knees were shaking madly. "What an awful dream" I cried. My sister brought me a glass of water and calmed me down. After having my breakfast, I received the message of my result on my mobile. Once I opened it, I found that I failed. Oh my God! The dream became fact. It was a miserable day. In fact, remembering this day fills my heart with sadness.
Top answer
Great attempt! I'll start with a few corrections: On the first reading itself, the evaluator would assess that you do not know any synonyms for 'sad' and 'miserable'. You have used it beautifully from 'sad' to 'sadness'; from 'miserably' to 'miserable' and 'awful'.
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Great attempt!
I'll start with a few corrections:
I'll start with a few corrections:
- On the first reading itself, the evaluator would assess that you do not know any synonyms for 'sad' and 'miserable'. You have used it beautifully from 'sad' to 'sadness'; from 'miserably' to 'miserable' and 'awful'. But, why the repetition?
- If this paragraph is for an Admission purpose or an exam, remove the 'flowers'
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