Proofreading_Essay

Question

Dear Proofreader,I will appreciate if you proofread my essay. Many thanks.With the development of online communication, people will never be alone and will always be able to make new friends. To what extent do you agree?  Modern technology has eased the way people communicate with each other. It is not required for individuals anymore to travel a long distance to meet their friends or relatives since the advent of the internet which make a state-of-the-art online communication. Nevertheless, I believe that the internet  or technology does not contribute to find a real friend and indeed the number of people suffered from depression or those feel isolation is not stopped.To start with, technology has brought about a reduction in social skills of modern people, especially youngsters. It can be easily distinguished in buses, shopping centres or even parks people who are looking at their smart phones without talking with each other and making new friends. Facebook has changed the culture of friendship from being loyalty to sharing the latest photos or news. Finding a reliable friend via the internet is impossible which before online communication advent, there were more reliable and sociable people. Currently, even in parties adolescents are busy with their smart phones without engaging in routine conversations.Additionally, engaging with technology like mobiles has made people to become more isolated compared to the past. The number of suicides occurrence because of loneliness has not decreased since the advent of Facebook or Skype. Recently, one of the famous Hollywood movie stars, Robin Williams, committed suicide. It seems that people does not have enough time to speak with each other due to being busy with their laptops and mobiles. The unreliability of friends through online communication is to such a level which most of extreme terrorism groups find their member through Facebook or Skype. This is due to the fact that not only technology increases loneliness, but also makes terrorism to grow.In conclusion, the internet and modern online communication software contribute lack of social skills of individuals which results in an increase in isolated people. A reliable and trustworthy friend has also become hard to be found because of the technology.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

This is not a good response to the given question. You were asked to agree or disagree with the statement:
People will never be alone and will always be able to make new friends as a result of modern online communications.

Your two body paragraphs seem to discuss the same points. In a well-structured essay, each body paragraph deals with (presents, elaborates on, and presents examples) only one point (or theme) to convince the reader of the author's position/view.

I suggest you restructure and rewrite that essay.

Mohammad Ramezani · Answer

Dear teechr,

Thank you for your reply. I have rewritten the whole thesis. Hope, this time address the topic better. Thanks for you feedback.

With the development of online communication, people will never be alone and will always be able to make new friends. To what extent do you agree?

Modern technology has eased the way people make contacts to each other. Probably some argue that the modern way of communication has brough about the less amount of people suffer loneliness and they have been able to make new friend more conveniently compared to the past. I disagree with this perspective and believe that there are still a considerate number of citizens who suffer from depression and modern technology does not always be successful to bring people together.

To start with, there are still patients who have undergone psychology disorders or felt depressed. Although, online software like Facebook help people to share their personal photos with their friends, but this has not contributed to witness less amount of depressed people. Furthermore, modern people are more likely to show off themselves to their friends via Facebook. They share their luxury furnitures, cars and home or disclose their fancy trips rather than show consideration towards each other. Recently, one of the famous Hollywood stars, Robin Williams, committed suicide because of the level of loneliness he had suffered. This is true that modern online communication has made people to conatct each other conveniently but it has not caused people do not feel alone.

Additionally, finding reliable friends through online communication is not an easy task. Indeed, recent research has revealed that most of organized terrorism groups has found their members via online communication software like Facebook and Skype. Modern people, especially adolescents, are very much engaged in their smart phones and tablets which has affected their social skills. Todays’ young people are less likely to participate in social events. It can be easily found some youngsters in parties who are just engaged in their mobile and even do not make attention to their friends sitting beside them. Therefore, although online communication helps people to find each other easily, it has not totally helped people to find considerate and true friends.

In conclusion, modern methods of communication have not contributed to remove the feelings of loneliness people might experience. Moreover, finding real friends who care and have our back is not likely to happen through online communications.

Teechr · Answer

Mohammad RamezaniThank you for your reply. I have rewritten the whole thesis. I hope, this time I've managed to address the question ~~topic~~ better.

I'm afraid it's still no good.

Let's do this step by step. First, try to stay focused on the given topic and do not stray beyond the scope of the question. I see that you disagree with the statement in the given question. Can you think of some reasons why you've taken that position. List them as separate, numbered and short sentences.

Mohammad Ramezani · Answer

Sorry for my late response.

I would like to disagree with the statement that with online communication people will never be alone by a paragraph mentioning these key points:
1. Still, there has been a number of modern people who suffer from depression and other sorts of psychological disorders.
2. Online communication software has changed the values of friendship meaning that show off material considerations is replaced of caring and consideration. This ultimately might result in isolation of modern people.
3. I would like to mention that online communication has made people contact more conveniently but not necessarily contribute to the permanent elimination of loneliness. And in another paragraph,

I would like to disagree with the statement that with online communication human beings will always be able to make new friends by:
1. Friend found in online software are more unreliable than friends found otherwise.
2. The online social media has caused a reduction in social skills of youth and consequently they have found making new friends difficult.

Finally, I would like to elaborate these paragraphs with suitable examples.
Thanks.

Teechr · Answer

Your first three points are no good. They need to be answers to the following question:
Why do you disagree with the claim that with online communication people will never be alone?
Try again.

Your two points for the second paragraph are usable.

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