Please help me to write a beautiful letter

Question

Here are 3 sentences:I would love to know more about your research. I want to ask you with this letter whether it is possible to contribute to your farther work on the theme as a PhD student.I find it really impressive to go deeply into the research of advanced materials properties, to use modern experimental equipment, to propose a new method or design and finally to implement the invention into the real production! Please do not hesitate to contact me per e-Mail, telephone (mobile, home or work). I will be glad to get any information about the PhD research possibilities in the field of materials design for turbines parts by Siemens AG. Are there some mistakes? Thank you VERY MUCH in advance!!

Olgakim · Accepted Answer

please, please, please ...

Yankee · Answer

OlgakimHere are 3 sentences:

I would love to know more about your research. ~~I want to ask you with this letter whether it is possible to contribute to your farther work on the theme as a PhD student.~~ With this letter I'd like to ask you whether it would be possible for me, as a PhD candidate, to contribute to your further work in this field.

I find it really impressive to go deeply into the research of advanced materials properties, to use modern experimental equipment, to propose a new method or design and finally to implement the invention into the real production!
The whole process of doing intensive research, using modern experimental equipment, proposing a new method or design, and finally putting the invention into production excites me.

Please do not hesitate to contact me ~~per~~ via e-Mail, telephone (mobile, home or work). ~~I will be glad to get any information about the PhD research possibilities in the field of materials design for turbines parts by Siemens AG.~~ Any information you might be able to provide regarding PhD research opportunities in the field of materials design for Siemens turbines will be greatly appreciated.

I also saw your other post. Your letter is quite understandable, but the style needs a lot of work in order to be considered "really good". One of the biggest problems is that far too many of your sentences begin with the word " I ".

I've made a few suggestions (in the quote).

Olgakim · Answer

Thank you very much!! I see my knowledge is fare away to be perfect :-(

I steel didn’t send this letter. Could someone please make these sentences nicer too?

I read your and Dr. Stamms last patents and articles. I am very interested in the research of materials design for turbines. I have studied deeply the physics of metals, ceramic materials, and surface phenomena as well as manufacturing, first in the Institute of Steel and Alloys in Moscow, then in RWTH-Aachen. As a student worker I took a part in several projects connected to the materials design for turbines and had practice in metallography, X-Ray, SEM, TEM measurements and different materials testing devices.

Thank you very much I really appreciate your help!

Please help me to write a beautiful letter

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