Magic of the Night

Question

hi everyone,this poem is open to comments n ur opinioni have written this by myself.and im new to this field, (poetry)so pliz help meMagic of  the Nighti was out in the night,it was dark n mysterious,the trees were glowing inthe silver light, it was mixture of sensations, there was a creepiness and yet there is something romantic about it,the air was cool, wind blowing softly,leaves swaying this, and that way,i walked out, feeling the hardness of the soil, sharpness of the rocks, and the softness of the grass, under my feet, giving my heart a contended feeling,giving me happiness to no end,my soul a solace it craves,oh dear, its feels so good, i feel as if im in Paradise,yeh, its heavenly to have these moments to myself, its so unique,so mysterious, so fascinating,and so lovely, this nature,that soothes  my being to no end,oh i wish i could be able to stop time,so that it could last forever,ever and ever.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

The trouble is, Priya, that it is not a poem-- it has neither internal rhythm nor meter to drive it along. This is a mood piece, and consists of two paragraphs of run-on sentences, with phrases set off with a series of far too many commas. In order to create poetry, you must do more than write down the first phrases that come to mind.

I was out in the night, it was dark and mysterious, the trees were glowing in the silver light, it was a mixture of sensations, there was a creepiness and yet there was something romantic about it, the air was cool, wind blowing softly, leaves swaying this, and that way,

I walked out, feeling the hardness of the soil, sharpness of the rocks, and the softness of the grass, under my feet, giving me happiness to no end, my soul a solace it craves, oh dear, its feels so good, I feel as if I'm in Paradise, yeh, it's heavenly to have these moments to myself, it's so unique, so mysterious, so fascinating, and so lovely, this nature, that soothes my being to no end, oh I wish I could be able to stop time, so that it could last forever, ever and ever.

Poet Priya · Answer

thx for ur opinion, though, u didnt get it, the comas r used for emphasis n also for separating the clauses, or to even give a pause, i write descritive poems, like describing things
i use comas for different purposes
any suggestions how i shall improve writing this poem, make a better 1?

Mister Micawber · Answer

If the reader doesn't 'get it', then your communication has failed, Priya-- and I have had many years of experience trying to 'get' people's poetry and other writings.

Some points to think about:

1-- Commas do not create emphasis; they are tools of clarity. Yours obfuscate.
2-- Descriptions are not descriptive poems. Here is a better description than yours:

This tree frog can be recognised by its sticky toes pads, black stripes through each eye which extend to the shoulder, a V or Y-shaped mark between its eyes, light-colored belly and dark spots on back and legs. Its color varies from almost a bronze brown to a light lime green. Individuals can change color in green and brown tones in a few minutes. This color change is related to the temperature and amount of moisture in the air, not the background color as in most other amphibians and reptiles. This color change gives it the protection of camouflage as it hops and crawls about on low leaves, branches and on the ground in open forests and forest edges looking for flying and crawling insects to eat. This is an adaptable species who can live in coastal rainforests as well as ponds near treed areas of the interior dry belt.

3-- You cannot use commas for different purposes unless those purposes are generally understood and accepted by your readers. Yours are not; they are distractions. Punctuation should not draw attention to itself.

4-- To improve, you need to read a lot of good poetry first. Start [url=http://www.poemtree.com/]HERE[/url].

Magic of the Night

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