IELTS task 1 : Attending music concerts

Question

The graph below shows the percentage of people in different age groups in one city who attended music concerts between 2010 and 2015.The line graph provides a breakdown on the proportion of people in different age groups in one city who participated in music concerts from 2010 to 2015.According to the diagram, it is obvious that after a 15-year period change, the percentage of people taking part in music concerts in the 25-44 age group was much higher than those in the 75+ age group. In 2010, there were more than 50% of people who were 25-44 years old going to music concerts. After this year, this rate substantially declined to 40%, then recovered to 50% and started increasing slightly till 2015. In contrast, the fraction of people in the 75+ age group joining in music concerts stood at 10% in 2010. After that, this rate rose considerably to over 20% in 2011. However, after this period this figure fell until 2003, then went up moderately between 2013 and 2015.In addition, in 2010, 40% of people in the 16-24 age group attended music concerts. This number was the same as the number of people in the 45-54 age group joining in this activity. The proportion of 16-24-year-old people participating in this type of art activities grew significantly in 2011 and continued increasing in a slight way until 2013, then climbed noticeably up to 2015. Contrary to this rate people in the 45-54 age group involved in this activity dropped considerably in 2011, then maintained going down in a minimal way up to 2013. After this period, this figure increased remarkably to 2015.On the contrary, there was a minimal increase in the number of people in the 55-64 age group participating in this activity between 2010 and 2011. Another thing to add is that this figure remained stable from 2011 to 2013, then it decreased moderately to 2015.Overall, these data were gathered annually over the period from 2010 to 2015. It is obvious that people in all age groups have a tendency to participate in this activity more throughout the period shown, except for people in the 55-64 age group.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your essay is too wordy and long. The paragraph structure does not reflect the essay instructions.

You need to show the examiner that you have selected two or three important features. This should be in the second paragraph. Put your details and comparisons in the third paragraph. Do not write a conclusion.

The line graph plots ~~provides a breakdown on~~ the proportion of people in five different age groups in one city who participated in (If they participated in a concert, they played a musical instrument or sang with the band. I do not believe that is what is shown here.) music concerts from 2010 to 2015. The groups are 16-24, 25-44, 45-54, 55-64 and above 75.

~~According to the diagram, it is obvious that after a 15-year period change~~, (That has a lot of unnecessary words. Also, this is not a diagram. "it is obvious" is an opinion. Do not write opinions in Task 1. What is the 15-year period? That is incorrect) the percentage of people taking part in (If they took part in a concert, they played a musical instrument or sang with the band. I do not believe that is what is shown here.) music concerts in the 25-44 age group was much higher than those in the 75+ age group. In 2010, ~~there were~~ more than 50% of people who were 25-44 years old ~~going~~ went to music concerts. After this year, this rate (wrong word) substantially declined to 40%, then recovered to 50% and started increasing slightly till 2015. In contrast, the fraction of people in the 75+ age group joining in music concerts stood at ~~10%~~ one tenth (10% is a percentage. ono-tenth or three-quarters are fractions. Be consistent.) in 2010. After that, this rate (There are no rates on this graph.) rose considerably to over 20% in 2011. However, after this period it ~~this figure~~ fell until 2003, then went up moderately between 2013 and 2015.

In addition, in 2010, 40% of people in the 16-24 age group attended music concerts. This ~~number~~ (A number is 32,643 or 238. Numbers are counts of people, not percentages.) was the same as ~~the number of people in~~ the 45-54 age group ~~joining in this activity~~. The proportion of 16-24-year-old people participating in this type of art activities (Verbose. These words are not needed.) grew significantly in 2011 and continued increasing in a slight way until 2013, then climbed noticeably up to 2015. Contrary to this rate people in the 45-54 age group involved in this activity dropped considerably in 2011, then maintained (wrong word) going down in a minimal way up to 2013. After this period, ~~this figure~~ it increased remarkably to 2015.

On the contrary, (That is not a good transition phrase. It is not clear what you are contrasting as being the opposite.) there was a minimal increase in the number of people in the 55-64 age group participating in this activity between 2010 and 2011. ~~Another thing to add is that~~ (wordy) this figure (wrong word) remained constant ~~stable~~ from 2011 to 2013, then it decreased moderately to 2015.

Overall, these data were gathered annually over the period from 2010 to 2015. It is obvious that people in all age groups have a tendency to participate in this activity more throughout the period shown, except for people in the 55-64 age group. (Do not add a conclusion paragraph to a Task 1 essay. That is required for Task 2.)

Here is a sample essay for this Task, except it is a little bit too long. However, it shows vocabulary words and phrases that are native English. Note that the phrase "relative numbers", as opposed to "numbers" or "absolute numbers," refer to proportions when comparisons are made

The line graph plots the proportion of residents of a certain city who went to a music concert in the years 2010 to 2015. They are divided into six age brackets, the young (16-24), adults (25-54), middle-aged adults (45-54), older adults (55-64) and seniors (over 75). Notably, there is no data for the ages 65-74.

Overall, the most noticeable observation is that the younger people attended concerts in relatively larger numbers than older ones. In the first year, only the two youngest groups violated this relationship with the youngest going less than the adults 25-44. In 2015, the percentages (ranging from 20 to 70%) were in the same order as the age ranges of the groups. During the five-year period, the percentages in all age groups went up, except for the older adults (55-64), which decreased slightly.

Over the period, music concerts became much more popular for the youngest group; whereas only four in ten went in 2010, seven in ten did in 2015. They surpassed the adult group in 2011, which had had a decline in attendance from 50 to 40%. The age group with the least variation was the older adults (45-54); their proportions remained in the range from 22-29%. The oldest group, seniors over 75, had the smallest attendance; the highest proportions being recorded in 2011 and 2015 at just over one in five and the lowest in 2013 at about one in ten.

IELTS task 1 : Attending music concerts

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