Could you please review my ielts writing task 2 essay

Question

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution could you suggest?In recent years, the students’ misbehaviors become increasingly popular in many countries. There are a variety of reasons to blame for this situation, but there are also solutions that could be applied to tackle these problems.There are three factors that are the main causes of this problems. First, the root cause of these problems partly stems from parents. Parents these days are too easy and permissive to their children. Teenagers always get what they want easily, so it is difficult for them to be under supervision and to follow the school rules. Second, teachers also are to blame for the students’ misbehaviors. They sometime are reluctant to punish pupils that interrupt the lecture and this leads to the consequences that students don’t respect teachers or pay attention to the lessons. The other factors are movies and video games which have violent contents, these movies could negatively affect children.However, there are steps could be taken to deal with these problems. First, parents have to teach their children that wrong actions have consequences and they need to take responsibility for their behaviors. Furthermore, parents need to become the role models for their children to follow. Moreover, school administrators also have to apply appropriate punishments to impose discipline on pupils. And teachers need to tailor their teaching strategies to make it suitable for each individual. Therefore, it would make students have more interests in lessons. Finally, the government need to impose ban on movies or video games that are too violent and inappropriate for teenagers. The imposition of censorship could reduce the negative influence of these movies on them.To conclude, schools will encounter the severe problems with students’ behaviors unless there is an interference from both teachers and parents to alleviate the problems.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíSecond, teachers also are to blame for the students’ misbehaviors. They sometime are reluctant to punish pupils that interrupt the lecture and this leads to the consequences that students don’t respect teachers or pay attention to the lessons

The word lessons would be more natural. Lectures are usually in universities.

Regarding teachers, you are partly correct. There is also the reality of bad teaching because of teachers who are not up to the job or, how badly a school system is run.

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nguy?n Duong H?u Chípopular

Popular means that people like it a lot. Do people love this kind of behavior? If they like it, they want the children to behave even more badly. It is not a problem then.

You need a different word, such as commonplace, common, frequent, prevalent, pervasive or widespread.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíThere are three ~~factors that are the~~ main causes of this problems.

The sentence needs to have excess words deleted.

"This" is singular. "Problems" is plural. Ungrammatical.

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíParents these days are too easy and permissive to their children.

The phrase is "easy on." Permissive is not used correctly. This is the natural form.

Parents these days are too permissive and easy on their children.

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíThey sometime are reluctant to punish pupils ~~that~~ who interrupt the lecture and this leads to the consequences that students don’t respect their teachers or pay attention to the lessons.

1) sometimes

2) Pupils are primary school students, 10 years old or younger. "Lecture" is for university or college students. These vocabulary words do not belong together.

3) Do not use contractions in formal writing.

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíThe other factors are movies and video games which have violent contents, these movies could negatively affect children.

You have an ungrammatical sentence because of the comma splice error. Also "could" weakens the argument considerably.

Nguy?n Duong H?u Chí And teachers need to tailor their teaching strategies to make it suitable for each individual.

The antecedent is "strategies". Plural. "It" is not plural. ungrammatical.

And teachers need to tailor their teaching strategies to be  suited to each individual.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíMoreover, school administrators also have to apply appropriate punishments to impose discipline on pupils.

Just delete the phrase. It is repetitive and unnecessary.

Nguy?n Duong H?u Chí Therefore, it would make students have more interests in lessons.

The plural "interests" is not correct. An interest is similar to a hobby. e.g. My interests are astronomy and antique furniture.

Students would be more interested in the lessons and more attentive in class.

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíFinally, the government need to impose a ban on movies or video games that are too violent and inappropriate for teenagers.

Nguy?n Duong H?u ChíTo conclude, schools will encounter ~~the~~ severe problems with students’ behaviors unless there is an interference from both teachers and parents to avoid ~~alleviate~~ the problems.

The two verbs are not logical together - encounter / alleviate. The sentence is not very sensible. Here is a sample conclusion.

To conclude, schools can avoid potentially severe problems caused by unruly students. Parents, teachers and the government each have their role to play in disciplining and engaging the students to make the school environment productive and harmonious.

Could you please review my ielts writing task 2 essay

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