Could you please review my IELTS WRITING TASK 1

I come back with IELTS after a long time struggling with studying online because COVID_19. I have learned some sentence patterns and practice them through my essay below. So if I use them not in appropriate context, please correct them. I would really appreciate that you could identify and give advice about my mistakes. Thanks

My essay:

The pie chart depicts the utilization of various internet resources by students in the Intel Secondary School Library in the year 2014.

Overall, it is clear that the proportion of students using the internet to entertain themselves exceeded those using it to access academic resources.

Looking at the pie chart more closely, one can see that the percentage of students playing interactive games comprised 30%, which came first in the survey. Also, reading fiction and non-fiction e-books constituted 35% of the use of the internet, collectively. However, a higher number of students preferred fiction e-books to non-fiction ones. Meanwhile, students using online magazines accounted for a larger segment of the total students conducting the survey in 2014 than those using online dictionaries (18% and 11%, respectively). Noticeably, science journals seemed inessential for students in Intel Secondary School, which stood down in the categories with just under one in ten students and used five times less than the most popular resources.

If you don't see the image, I will post it in the reply later. I choose file and attach it when I write the entire post, but it doesn't appear. I have tried several times but I don't know the why