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Dreemoo Posted 13 years ago
Grammar

could you please help me to correct my paragraph !

I'm writing a research paper about dining table and family relations

so I've send my first draft to the teacher and this was her reply :
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Unoriginal text detected, writing style
Wordiness (1)
Passive voice use (1)
Punctuation within a sentence (1)
Writing style (5)
Vocabulary use (2)

The Dining Table isn’t just a piece of furniture. It’s a mirror,( have been created) to (reflect) a happy picture of the family. Eating together as a family is more important today than in the past, we always hope to spend quality time eating together and sharing stories with family, but sometimes it’s really hard to gather every member (together(. For this reason, I decided to clean up our family mirror, finding the way that (dining table) used( to be) and why we don’t eat together anymore. (Then )come up with solutions to make a warm and happy family that has meals together.
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the mistakes between bracket

and this what I did to correct them .. can please check if that what the teacher means ?

The Dining Table isn’t just a piece of furniture. It’s a mirror ( that reflected) a happy picture of the family. Eating together as a family is more important today than in the past, we always hope to spend quality time eating together and sharing stories with family, but sometimes it’s really hard to gather every member (at one time). For this reason, I decided to clean up our family mirror, finding the way (it) (was) and why we don’t eat together anymore. (Then, )come up with solutions to make a warm and happy family that has meals together.

thank you
  

Top answer

The dining room table is not merely a piece of furniture. It's a symbol, representing the family, since families traditionally are depicted eating together there - with the father presiding over the scene with a firm hand. But that symbol of family togetherness is getting harder and harder maintain today, as modern families less frequently sit down all together at mealtimes.

— Anonymous

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8 Answers
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The dining room table is not merely a piece of furniture. It's a symbol, representing the family, since families traditionally are depicted eating together there - with the father presiding over the scene with a firm hand. But that symbol of family togetherness is getting harder and harder maintain today, as modern families less frequently sit down all together at mealtimes.

Both paren
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Anonymous, you lost the metaphor of reflection, which is a good one, and introduced ideas (like the father presided with a firm hand) that had no place in the original, and your second paragraph is completely new content. Are you writing your own essay?
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Thank you very much my friend
I'm gonna use yours If you don't mind with some changing
cause it looks perfect for me ^^

I wish that I know your name .. but thank you again
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mmm anonymous did good work , but still no one have corrected my original Emotion: thinking
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It seemed you wanted to copy the one Anon wrote and use it as your own.
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The Dining Table isn’t just a piece of furniture. It’s a mirror ( that reflected) a happy picture of the family. Eating together as a family is more important today than in the past, we always hope to spend quality time eating together and sharing stories with family, but sometimes it’s really hard to gather every member (at one time). For this reason, I decided to clean up our family mirror, find
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I just wanted to follow the way he/she did and change it to suit my idea
like how he did to avoid the wordiness
.. but if someone will check mine that's would be great
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Thaaank you BarbaraPA Emotion: rose I really appreciate your help ^^
and I think " recreate " is OK

I'm happy now
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