Could you please edit my cover letter for job application

Question

the detail as below99 xyz  RoadMaha bkk2 January, 2011Dear Sir,I am writing this letter to apply for Marketing Executive position in response to your advertisement in Jobsdb.comI graduated from ABC University and hold a bachelors degree from the faculty of Business with a major in Finance. I then challenged myself with my own Vietnamese Food business. This gave me a great opportunity to learn how to operate a real business as an entrepreneurial owner, including marketing and sales, problem solving and dealing with department stores.In addition, I was employed as a Financial Planner in JB Bank. I was responsible for credit analysis in both consumer and commercial finance, credit proposals,worked in loan collections and maintained relationships with customers.Moreover,I have strong interest in marketing field especially CRM and Brand Building and also I have ability to conduct marketing plan, I believe that my experience, analytical skill and creative thinking,along with my understanding of economics issues these qualities would make me a excellent candidate.My resume is attached. An opportunity to discuss my abilities and skills and how I can help your company would be most welcome. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to meeting you.Yours faithfully,K.j JamI would appreciate all comment

AleshV · Accepted Answer

Dear Mr or Ms Jam,
in my humble opinion, your cover letter looks fine. It comprises everything that may attract attention by someone who will read it. However, it would also be fine if some native English speaker could revise it. My native language is other, so I will tell you just several minor things you should take into consideration.

debangkokDear Sir,

if you are not sure if the person who will read it is male or female, use Dear Sir or Madame..., however, I find this phrase as a cliche, but up to now I have not find an appropriate alternative.

debangkokI then challenged myself with

It should be ''Then I challenged...''

debangkokproblem solving and dealing

Be more specific: which problems?
I also recommend to avoid the word problem because it imply something difficult or negative... Better say everyda business challenges or something similar.

debangkokcredit proposals,worked in loan collections

Be careful: press the space key after comma and before new word! You did it in several places in your letter.

debangkokanalytical skill and creative thinking,along

Better say in plural: analitical skills; and here is also missing space after comma.

Regards,
a.

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir:

I am writing this letter to apply for Marketing Executive position in response to your advertisement in Jobsdb.com. With my extensive experience as an entrepreneur, financial planner, and marketer, I am confident that I would be strong, positive executive assisting the company in reaching its goals. (or something like that)

I graduated from ABC University (in what year) and hold a bachelors degree from the faculty of Business with a major in Finance. After graduation, I became an entrepreneur by opening my own Vietnamese Food business. This opportunity taught how to operate a real business, including marketing and sales, problem solving, and dealing with department stores.

Furthermore, I was employed as a Financial Planner in JB Bank. I was responsible for credit analysis in consumer and commercial finance as well as credit proposals. In addition, I worked in loan collections and maintained positive relationships with our customers.

Moreover, I have strong interest in marketing field, especially CRM and brand building. Supporting my interest in marketing is my ability to conduct/create marketing plans. (Not really happy with the prior sentence. You need to think about it. -->I believe that my experience, analytical skills, and creative thinkings, along with my understanding of economics issues these qualities would make me a excellent candidate. This sentence should be moved to the top. See above.)

I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss my abilities and skills and how I can help your company. I thank you for your consideration, and I will call you in two weeks to arrange a meeting. (in North America, you are encourage to be positive...if you want the job, you will call.)

Yours faithfully,

K.j Jam

Clive · Answer

Hi,
A couple of additional comments, based on my experience with the job market in Canada.

When you apply for a job, it is customary to enclose your resume with this kind of letter. That's why it is called a 'cover letter', ie it 'covers' or mentions that there are other items attached. (eg My detailed resume is attached for your consideration.)

. . . I will call you in two weeks to arrange a meeting. (in North America, you are encourage to be positive...if you want the job, you will call.)
In Canada, my opinion is that this approach would be seen as much, much too aggressive. I think many employers would simply toss the letter into the garbage.
A lower-key approach would be
eg I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss in an interview in more detail my abilities and skills, and how I can help your company. I can be reached at (555) 123-4567. I thank you for your consideration.

Clive

MountainHiker · Answer

Clive and I differ on the calling. The job market is competitive, especially for high paying jobs. If you want a job, you will call. Companies are looking for those who seize initiative and make things happen.

If you wait for them to call you, they won't. Instead, they will accept the call from other candidate who is more eager and set up a lunch to discuss business.

Imagine you are hiring an MBA. One write a polites letter and asks you to call her. You're busy. The very reason why you are hiring a person is because you are swamped. A person who doesn't even have a job here is making more demands on your time.

The second person writes a polite letter as well. She indicates that she will call you within two weeks. The reason why you want additional staff is because you are too busy. This person shows initiative and confidence.

Who are you going to hire? For me, the choice is obvious.

Debangkok · Answer

I very much thank you for your call comment

and I would like to have someone to edit my conjuction, grama.

I look forward for your help

best regards

bkk

MountainHiker · Answer

debangkokI very much thank you for your call comment

and I would like to have someone to edit my conjuction, grama.

I look forward for your help

Please see this post where you have an edited version:

You still need to make changes to it. Once you are done, Clive, myself, or someone else will help you polish the final letter.

Feel free to have "them call you" or "you call them." Whichever version you decide is fine with us. Use the version that you feel most comfortable with and that fits within your local business community.

You are almost complete. You just need to make some small changes to the sample letter.

Good luck.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

I look at it from the employer's point of viw.

I'm swamped with work. Now I have 50 people all calling me and demanding an interview.

There are obviously different perspectives on this. As MountainHiker says, it's ultimately up to the applicant to decide how he or she wants to handle this.

Clive

MountainHiker · Answer

The applicant, however, usually says he will call within two to three weeks. Within that time, rejection letters are sent.  If you receive a rejection letter, no need to follow up.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Perhaps.

Where I live, rejection letters are very often not sent at all.
And if they are, it can take a lot longer than 2 or 3 weeks.

To me, trying to force an interview suggests a sense of entitlement that will not endear one to most employers. But perhaps that's just where I live.

Clive

MountainHiker · Answer

Rejection letter for advertised positions are standard, at least at my level. Otherwise, the employer burns bridges. People want to know if it is a yes or no.

Many employers quickly reject the rejects. And then the rest go to various committees, manager, vice-presidents for their input. And then, various candidates are invited for interviews.

I agree with you -- you are not entitled to an interview. However, if you are able to reach the contact person or decision maker, you at least request a meeting, even if it just lunch or coffee meeting. That alone is a conversation starter and separates you from the rest. Hiring is a personal decision.

But let's put all that aside.

As an applicant in a difficult economy, you can be passive and be one of the many that gets rejected. And you'll never get any feedback.

Or, you can show some initiative. If you are successful in reaching the decision maker, you have an opportunity to interact with him or her. You can learn more about their hiriing process, their timing, their preferences, and -- this is important -- make a positive impression.

For those that want mail in copious standard cover letters and resumes, have at it.

For those who want to expend some additional effort, make the call. You'll learn more and get more opportunities. And, even if you are rejected, you might get some valuable feedback as to why you were rejected. Perhaps they hired an internal candidate afterall. Or, maybe the other person had better qualifications. Or, maybe your material was just like everyone else's. In any event, it's intelligence you can perhaps use next time.

You'll find many companies deliberately create walls such as human resources departments to thwart those who want to call in. They realize that candidates are hungry and will try for whatever competitive edge that they can gain. So they deliberately create walls.

But, according to the late http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Pausch, "Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." You'd be surprised how receptive people are if you manage to reach them. (Note, brick walls link goes to Wall Street Journal, which might require a subscription to view.)

If you reach them, they will at least give your cover letter and resume a good look. And that's more than a lot of candidates will receive.

So the choice remains you with you: Do you want to be a faceless person whose cover letter and resume is in a big stack, or, do you want to separate yourself from the crowd by showing some initiative and making a positive impression?

Choose wisely -- your career and future depend upon it.

Could you please edit my cover letter for job application

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