correction

Question

0(A picture of a small sailboat to the left)I remember sailing in a boat this size. Actually the boat I used to sail in was probably a bit larger and carried a crew of two, a skipper and crew. The skipper steers the boat and the crew member handles the jiff. Once, I was fortunate to get an opportunity to sail alone after my partner dropped out of the class. The instructor, at first, was relunctant to let me handle it alone for fear of capsizing the small delicate boat and having to rescue the boat and me. After long consideration and the assistant instructor suggesting removing the jiff, I sailed out to the calm lake. However things turned ugly shortly after that. The calm weather, all of a sudden, turned violent. I was not far from the dock as I'd just left. The other boats were rocking and I could hear some students shouting. In a matter of minutes, a boat capsized and the two students were in the water treading. In less than five minutes, another boat followed. As I was struggling to keep my boat steady and sail back to the dock, the assistant instructor on a jet ski rode to rescue while another assistant jumped into a motorboat and followed. Luckily, no one was hurt. It was a great experience to me.02br02br00Please correct any mistakes. Thanks in advance!0-

Avangi · Accepted Answer

0The language is quite good. 02br
02br
00I'm not sure if you mean to imply that the picture is of a one-man boat. The way the sentence flows, you expect both statements to relate to comparing the size. I've never been sailing. Does the term "skipper" specifically refer to the person who handles the tiller? We use it as a friendly term for the captain, or the person in charge. "The skipper" = "The captain." You address him casually as "Skipper." I could be wrong, but I think "crew" always refers to a group of more than one. I guess you could say, "a crew of one," like "a party of one." I believe "crewman" or "crew member" would refer to one individual. (I note you use "crew member" the second time, but the first time might be a problem.)02br
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00How about paragraphs? May we occasionally have a new paragraph? The thing about the partner and the class comes out of the blue, or "off the wall." You need to somehow introduce that you're taking a class. Otherwise we say, "What the heck is this?"02br
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00Re the "After long" sentence, you at least need a comma after "consideration." It was difficult for me to parse on my first try. It's sort of a compound introductory phrase - one prepositional, and one participial. I'm not sure if it would be better, were they of the same genre. It may be considered an error that "after long consideration" appears to refer to you, and I don't believe it really does. (After long consideration, 01b01i01u00I02u02i02b00 sailed)02br
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00There's a small time-frame problem in the next non-paragraph. You had sailed out to the calm lake. From whence? It sounds like it might have taken a while. If it's a large lake, and we commence from a dock at the edge of it, we'd say, "I sailed out 01b01i01u00into02u02i02b00 the lake." If, on the other hand, our dock is located on some kind of an inlet, we could say "I sailed out to the lake [proper]. Either way, it sounds like you covered some distance. The weather changed abruptly "shortly after that." Then you say, "I was not far from the dock, as I'd just left." It doesn't "add up."02br
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00"The calm weather, all of a sudden, turned violent." This interruption in the flow of the sentence spoils the urgency of it. Try, "The calm weather suddenly turned violent," or "Suddenly the calm weather turned violent."02br
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00Re "the two students," there's not really a clear antecedent (wrong word). I'd say, "and 01b00its02b00 two students were in the water." The expression is "treading water," but you can't say "water" twice. You need to work something else out.02br
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00Re "another boat followed," I know what you mean, but "followed" is ambiguous here (followed you around?). How about, "another boat met the same fate."? (Moby ****: "and all save one shall follow")02br
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00"on a jet ski" set off with commas. "rode to 01b00the02b00 rescue"02br
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00To me, it was a great experience. 01b00OR02b00 It was a great experience 01i01u00for02u02i00 me.02br
02br
00Best wishes, - A.0-

New2grammar · Answer

0Thanks, Avangi. I have made some changes based on your comments. Could you please review to make sure it's all right now?02br
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00I remember sailing in a boat this size. Actually the boat I used to sail in was probably a bit larger and carried a crew of two, a skipper and crew member. The skipper steers the boat and the crew member handles the jiff. 02br
02br
02br
00Once, I was fortunate to get an opportunity to sail alone. It was one of my summer long sailing course and my partner dropped out halfway for reason I can't recall. The instructor, at first, was relunctant to let me handle it alone for fear of capsizing the small delicate boat and having to rescue the boat and me. After long consideration by the instructor, and the assistant instructor suggesting removing the jiff, I sailed out into the calm lake. 02br
02br
02br
00However things turned ugly . The calm weather suddenly turned violent. I was not as far from the dock as the other students as I left later due to the debate. The other boats were rocking and I could hear some students shouting. In a matter of minutes, a boat capsized and its two students were in the water, all soaked and waiting for help. In less than five minutes, another boat suffered the same fate. As I was struggling to keep my boat steady and sail back to the dock, the assistant instructor on a jet ski, rode to the rescue while another assistant jumped into a motorboat and followed. Luckily, no one was hurt. It was a great experience.0-

Avangi · Answer

0Hi N2g,02br
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01font00It was one of my summer long sailing course and my partner dropped out halfway for reason I can't recall.02font02br
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01i00It was during one of my summer long sailing courses, after my partner had dropped out in mid course for some reason I can't recall.02i02br
02br
01font00The instructor, at first, was relunctant to let me handle it alone for fear of capsizing the small delicate boat and having to rescue the boat and me. After long consideration by the instructor, and the assistant instructor suggesting removing the jiff, I sailed out into the calm lake. 02font02br
02br
01i00The instructor was at first reluctant to let me handle the boat alone. He feared the small, delicate craft might capsize, leaving him with the task of rescuing me as well as the boat. The instructor's assistant suggested that removing the jiff would make the sailboat easier for one man to handle. After long consideration, they decided it would be safe to go ahead with the plan, and I was finally allowed to sail out into the calm lake.02i02br
02br
00I forgot to mention earlier that "calm" is not a word to which sailing folk take kindly.02br
02br
01font00However things turned ugly . The calm weather suddenly turned violent. I was not as far from the dock as the other students as I left later due to the debate. 02font02br
02br
01i00Meantime, the other students had left me far behind. Fortunately for me, I had not progressed very far from the dock when things decided to turn ugly. The calm weather suddenly became violent. 02i00(better not to repeat "turned")02br
02br
00Best wishes, - A.02br
02br
00 0-

New2grammar · Answer

1font00The instructor, at first, was relunctant to let me handle it alone for fear of capsizing the small delicate boat and having to rescue the boat and me.02font02br
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01font00Avangi, thanks for the rephrasing. Could you help me understand why the above sounds unnatural? I believe that's the reason you rephrased it entirely. 02font0-

Avangi · Answer

1font00The instructor, at first, was relunctant02font01font00 01font00(1)02font00 to let me handle it 01font00(2)02font00 alone for fear of capsizing 01font00(3)02font00 the small delicate boat and having 01font00(5)02font00 to rescue the boat and me. After long consideration by the instructor, and the assistant instructor suggesting removing the jiff, 01font00(6)02font00 I sailed out into the calm lake. 02font02br
02br
01i00The instructor was at first reluctant to let me handle the boat alone. He feared the small, delicate craft02i00 01font00(4)02font01i00 might capsize, leaving him with the task of rescuing me as well as the boat. The instructor's assistant suggested that removing the jiff would make the sailboat easier for one man to handle. After long consideration, they decided it would be safe to go ahead with the plan, and I was finally allowed to sail out into the calm lake.02i02br
02br
00(1) If the interrupted flow of a structure serves no purpose, and may be replaces with a smoother structure having the same meaning, go for it.02br
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00(2) "It" has no antecedent. Also, the sentence is too dang long, or has too many different ideas in it.02br
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00(3) "The instructor" is the subject of the sentence. The 01u00fear02u00 is his, but not the 01u00capsizing02u00. This is a transitive, active construction. 01b01i01u00Who02u02i02b00 is going to capsize the boat?? With no information to the contrary, we have to assume it's the instructor. We can solve this by switching to passive, 01b00or02b00 middle voice (intransitive?), if you've been following that magnificent thread.02br
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00(4) Use "craft" to avoid repeating "boat."02br
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00(5) After changing "capsizing," we can no longer use the parallel structure "for fear of 01u00capsizing02u00 and 01u00having02u00." "Craft" is now the subject of the clause, which has two actiions, capsizing and leaving. (You could probably say the "leaving" phrase refers to "capsizing.")02br
02br
00(6) You completely fail to integrate the business about the assistant instructor and the jiff. What has it to do with the outcome of the story?0-

New2grammar · Answer

0(3) "The instructor" is the subject of the sentence. The 01u00fear02u00 is his, but not the 01u00capsizing02u00. This is a transitive, active construction. 01b01i01u00Who02u02i02b00 is going to capsize the boat??01b00 With no information to the contrary, we have to assume it's the instructor02b00. We can solve this by 01b00switching to passive02b00, 01b00or02b00 middle voice (intransitive?), if you've been following that magnificent thread.02br
02br
00 AHA. Now I see why!!! Good points. So, it would be02br
01font00The instructor, at first, was relunctant02font01font00 01font00(1)02font00 to let me handle it 01font00(2)02font00 alone for fear of the small boat being capsized and having 01font00(5)02font00 to rescue the craft and me.02font02br
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00I think we can live without being 100% parallel all the time right? Thought it may not be elegant I've seen it done many times. I'm not arguing but trying to see whether the possibility exists.02br
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00(6) Without the go-ahead from the instructor, I couldn't leave the dock. The two clauses are related, aren't they?0-

Avangi · Answer

1blockquote

01cite10New2grammar12cite11font10I12font11font10 think we can live without being 100% parallel all the time right? Thought it may not be elegant I've seen it done many times. I'm not arguing but trying to see whether the possibility exists.12font12br
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10This is surely true. I would object only when it makes a long sentence difficult to read or understand. (I almost wrote "I would only object when . . . " but I remembered MrWordy.) 12br
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11font10(6) Without the go-ahead from the instructor, I couldn't leave the dock. The two clauses are related, aren't they?12font12br
12br
10True again. What I objected to was that you didn't give the assistant enough credit. But on the other hand, maybe 11b11i11u10I12u12i12b10 gave him too much. But I think it makes a better story if his suggestion is acted upon and has some bearing on the decision to let you go out alone. Your version leaves the reader wondering what really happened. You need to 11b11i11u10say12u12i12b10 they took the ****** thing off.12br
12br
10 - A.12br
12br
12blockquote

1-

New2grammar · Answer

0Thanks, Avangi. I think I know why you made the corrections now. 02br
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00By the way, I don't quite remember what Mr. Wordy said. I know he said something about the position of only changing the meaning. 02br
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00I would interpret either version the same. IS there any difference? Thsi is off topic of course.0-

Avangi · Answer

0Yes, Wordy was/is 100% correct. I'm glad you recall the discussion.02br
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00Here, it's "I would object only when it makes a long sentence difficult."02br
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00 - vs. "I would only object when it makes a long sentence difficult." This (incorrect version) means that when it makes a long sentence difficult, I would only 01b01i01u00object02u02i02b00. That is, I would not do anything else about it, such as correcting it, or explaining it to a student, or following up to see that the point is/was understood.02br
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00Personally, I think it's okay to follow the thread when it leads away from the source. Thread is like that. You simply have to exercise a bit of judgement. (You may find a kitten behind the chair, playing with the ball of (woops!) yarn.)02br
02br
00 - A.0-

New2grammar · Answer

0AHA. That's what he said. Thanks for the explanation. Out of curiosity, how correct are native speakers as  you said you almost made the 'mistake'? My guess is native speakers may not read into it and may not even pause and think whether your meaning is the other. they are likely to 'correct' your meaning so naturally they don't even know0-

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