College Essay proofread..

Question

Hey all!

So, it the college admission essays season.. And I've been working on this essay for the last couple of days.. I'd be grateful if anyone post suggestions as well as edit it if that's possible too.

Thanks!

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The world I come from has many features for it to be described; most importantly, my family, school, the community, and the club are what make up my world. These are what contributed to my own self. Without them, I would have been another fellow with lesser dreams and aspirations.

To begin with, what makes up my world, most importantly, is my family. They are the beings that helped me overwhelm all the difficulties in my life, also the ones who made me more of an aspiring person. They’ve encouraged me to accomplish the incredible things in life. Though, the reader might think of “compelling” yet strict parents who raised me, but not at all. They never persuaded me to do something, unlike most other. In my opinion, this culminated into the development of my own self. I can still remember how I used to help Dad with his work. For instance, I used to assemble a line of PCs myself.

Apart from my family, I feel the school; or the so-called second home, have built my self confidence and esteem. Being it the place that prepared me to life, I owe it to them for making me the most courageous and highly determined person. The academic distinctions that have been granted raised my triumph, as well as my determination of life. I love the idea that I’ve won the interschool Ping-pong championship.

Two other things need mentioning are the local community and the clubs. Frankly speaking, these have donated a lot to my personality. The local community has made my communication with others more effective and easier. Virtually, you would think the community I am talking about is the one in town, or “outdoors” so to speak, but, it is something else. Something broader and more effective than the common communities you might have knew about. It is the online community (Discussion forums in the internet) that have made me more communicative and yet more capable of myself. Yet do I not say that I am not capable of being communicative to “offline” communities, but their impact upon me would never be similar. On the other hand, clubs have raised my own ambition in extra-curricular activities. Swimming and Ping-pong is what, majorly, I play. I am not sure if this counts in the Clubs part, but I have the ambition to design Websites. I, as a matter of fact and because of my skills, am a forum moderator in one of the most respectable online communities in the Internet.

In conclusion, I think these have shaped my dreams and aspirations in a different manner as one would suppose. I consider myself a well-rounded kind of person, and I always challenge my prospects.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

h88,

People often write "Once upon a time..." stories for college entrance. You are no different.

What the colleges are looking for is how you have aligned your education and experiences with your college dreams.

From your essay, I am guessing you want to go to into computer programming?

If that is true, then you need to state those things which support computer programming.

For example:

> You are good at writing and languages, which has many parallels in programming
> You are good in math and sciences...again, applicable to computer programming
> You are good at interpreting vague instructions...again, good in computer programming
> You are a mature and determined individual....good for everything in life
> etc.

Outline:

1) Who are you?

2) What do you want to do?

3) What have you done to prepare yourself/what special skills or talents do you have?

4) Why this university or something like that.

5) Wrap it up.

Look through this forum and search for Nadine's letter. It is a good template to follow.

MountainHiker

H88 · Answer

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H88 · Answer

Here is my college essay remake. The limit is 500 words and I already exceeded that with another 23 words.

Please comment and proofread. Also, please check the grammatical structure of the sentences. Thanks!!

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Essay Topic: An application to a university is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?
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“Isn’t more like you’re cursed?” This never let me down, as it was a criticism while I was playing ping-pong. Anyway, I started playing ping-pong in the 8th grade. Since then, I excessively tried to practice and play it. I joined clubs, hired coaches and made my way thorough the lane of success. Never did I ever think that 3 years after starting to play table tennis, I would be the inter-school champion and I would be given a nomination to the nation’s championship!

As well as my extra-curricular activities, which also include swimming, I’ve been the best in my classes. I was always fascinated by this quote: “Once you find a job you love, you’ll never work again.” In my opinion, this raised my determination and esteem for study. I always tried to know who I am, through my studies. As the college season started, I considered Mathematics and Physics as my prospects. Thus, after excessive consuming of time studying the degrees offered by universities, I raised my quest for electrical engineering. Funny thing, I would be the third electrical engineer, as my dad and sister are also electrical engineers.

I always try to think about these achievements I’ve made. Did no one contribute to make me such? Never! Without the contribution and assistance given by ***, my parents, siblings, school, and community, nothing would be the same as it is now.

Certainly, every single family member helped me overwhelm all the difficulties in my life! My parents, most importantly, contributed to me achieving these incredible things. Though, the reader might think of “compelling” yet strict parents who raised me, but not at all. They never persuaded me to do something, unlike most other. In my opinion, this culminated into the development of my own self. I can still remember how I used to help Dad with his work. For instance, I used to assemble a line of PCs myself.

Apart from my family, I feel the school; or the so-called second home, have built my self confidence and esteem. Being it the place that prepared me to life, I owe it to them for making me the most courageous and highly determined person.

“What about your communication skills?” Someone might say. My response would be that, without the help of my community, I wouldn’t be a communicative sort of person. Naturally, I am a shy kind of person. I tend to not discuss matters much, but that was before. Ever since I raised my determination in life, I started building my communication skills. No doubt, the communities have helped achieve these skills. The unusual thing is, however, that the reader might think of an “ordinary” community, or the one “outdoors” so to speak. But, the community I am talking about is the “online” community (Online discussion forums) that have raised my communication skills. It is because of online communities, not only “offline” communities, my communication skills are superior.

In conclusion, I think these have shaped my dreams and aspirations in a different manner as one would suppose. I consider myself a well-rounded kind of person, and I always challenge my prospects.

MountainHiker · Answer

h88,

You need to reread my prior message and look at Nadine's letter here in the forum.

I still don't know why you are writing this letter. That defeats the whole purpose, no?

You need to start fresh.

Provide a comprehensive outline and then begin writing the first couple of parapraghs.

MountainHiker

H88 · Answer

Hey MountainHiker!

I am not writing a letter, but merely an essay. (an important component in the admission process.) I saw Nadine's letter, but her/his letter was a covering letter, which is irrelevant to my admission procedure (or at least irrelevant to my School's admission procedure.)

Again, what's wrong with essay? I cannot apply to the school of engineering directly, as all freshmans have a common year before specializing into their majors (in their second year).
So, trying to convince the reader about how important is to be admitted into the school of engineering is no use, since I need to get admiited into the university first.

Any ideas are welcome!

Thanks again.

PS. I cannot choose topics for my essay.

MountainHiker · Answer

h88,

Your essay and Nadine's letter are serving exactly the same purpose. The only difference is that her letter has the following:

Her address

Date

School's name and address

Dear Sir:

Regards,
person

Aside from some "letter" stuff, it is exactly the same. So her letter is completely relevant to what you are trying to accomplish.

Your essay is too much like "Once upon a time I was a child. Then through friends and family I learned some stuff."

You need to be focused. I have already provided you with two strong hints: earlier in this thread I gave a rough outline, and have directed you to Nadine's letter. With those two, you should have some strong ideas as to how to write your letter.

I suspect that if I were to go your university's web site, I would that it says that you must write this letter on your own, no? Thus, I am unwilling to provide step-by-step exact guidance as to what you must do.

This is not a fairy tale type essay. This is business communication. What in your background has prepared you for university? And if you don't tell me that you want to eventually go to Engineering School, then I think your essay will be poor. It will be poor because it fails to effectively communicate why you want to go to school and what you want to learn. So what's the point?

MountainHiker

H88 · Answer

I quite agree, thanks for the head start.

I saw Nadine's letter, took some ideas, and wrote the following:

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“Once you find a job you love, you’ll never work again.” That is literally speaking, of course. For instance, during the last couple of years, where I used to analyze, interpret and program extensively, I loved this job and never felt like I’m working. That is to say, I knew how to interpret vague instructions and convert them into the notion of a programming language. I consider the most important language I’ve ever learned is PHP (Hypertext processor), along with the preferred accompanied DB system, mySQL. I used, mainly, the method of Object Oriented Programming which merely means that you treat portion of your programs as self-contained units called objects. That is, I used to program using the best practices possible.

The languages spoken about above are ‘Dynamic’ languages. They are used as a method of interaction between the user and the server. A real-life example is the online discussion community. You post to a server, the server organizes the data you’ve posted, and then your data is viewed again to other users. This brings us to the subject of computer science and electrical engineering.

I’ve always anticipated being an electrical engineer more than a computer scientist. I always like the applications of electrical engineering. Control and Automation is the most important part I’m interested on. Other topics such as Communications, Microwave engineer, and Electromagnetism interest me as well. Engineers also tend to plan, as the real example says, engineers are the beings that must manage over 10 projects a day.

But also being a computer scientist is useful too. The language used to instruct the electrical devices is essential to be learned. I try, as much as possible, to cover all programming techniques and good practices to get ready for college as much as I can.
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I know I'm abit off topic though (I have no idea how to list my dreams and aspirations and how my world shaped them). I brainstormed all over again, and came up with what you're seeing above.

I tried as much as I can to be clear though, and FYI, I didn't finish it yet. I wanted to know if I'm still (or happen to be) on the right track.

I hope that it looks more professional to you now (and to the admission officer ).

Thanks

MountainHiker · Answer

h88,

This essay isn't doing it for me either. I once helped a person with a pen name of Soufiane. Try searching for his letter/essay on this board. Actually, I will give you the link. Please Autobiographical Essay. I gave him wwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much help. I ended up writing his essay for him. It is a long thread, but work your way through it. You can see that he too began with the fairy tale type story. I still think his letter was long. But I was getting tired of the constant iterations. Sometimes free help is only worth what you paid for it. In any event, see what you can learn from his trials and tribulations.

Again, I suspect your essay/letter must be written by YOU. So I can't and won't write it for you.

MountainHiker

H88 · Answer

MountainHiker,

Thanks for all your help.. This is getting as complicated as a tax form..

thanls again..

H88 · Answer

Alright, I worked on the essay for quite a while, my first attempt was the following:

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I want to be an exponential function!
The best competition is to compete with yourself such that you are better today than you were yesterday, and not as good as what you’re going to be tomorrow. This can be resembled by the exponential function; f(x) = ***. As a matter of fact, I want to be an exponential function! The idea behind this function is that as x increases, f(x) significantly increases and therefore the curve goes notably to the top. In real life, however, I try to improve myself on daily basis as much as I can. My quest and determination to study was advanced further more with this resemblance.

Hence, I always tried to develop myself as much as I can. I am not trying to appraise myself here, but merely illustrate what I’m aiming for and what achievements have I accomplished yet. For instance, I was fascinated by this quote: “Once you find a job you love, you’ll never work again.” That is figuratively speaking, of course. I always wanted to be a web developer. I am seeking the development of dynamic interfaces. That is to say, dynamic websites in which the user interact with the web server directly to get the output. I extensively analyzed, interpreted and programmed web applications, without ever feeling like working. It was more like an interest. I consider the most important language I’ve ever learned is PHP (Hypertext processor), along with the preferred accompanied DB system, mySQL, which both are used during the process of designing web-driven server applications. I used, mainly, the method of Object Oriented Programming which merely means that you treat portion of your programs as self-contained units called objects. That is, I used to program using the best practices possible.

The reader would directly assume that I am anticipating a computer science degree. Quite to the contrary, I want to be an electrical engineer! I always liked the applications of electrical engineering. Control and Automation is the most important part I’m fascinated by. Other topics such as Data Communication and Antenna Propagation, Electromagnetism, and Microwave engineering interest me as well. A direct yet quiet funny quote about engineers that demonstrate their importance in industry and towards society is: “The machine unmakes the man. Now that the machine is so perfect, the engineer is nobody.”

When speaking of these aspirations, no sort of what have been said above could have happened without the support and assist given by others. I would like to show my gratitude towards ***, my parents, my sisters and brother, and everyone who have contributed to myself and helped me overwhelm all the difficulties I have encountered in my life. Also, I owe it to the school for making me the most courageous and highly determined person. No doubt, the local community have readily prepared me to life and made me a communicative sort of person. Also, clubs which made me practice swimming, table-tennis, and basketball to a higher extent have willingly raised my triumph.
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Further edit concluded to the following:
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I want to be an exponential function!

The best competition is with your own self such that today you are better than yesterday, and tomorrow you are better than today. That very competition resembles exponential function—f(x) = x. A slight change in x means a greater change in f(x) and my quest and determination to study advances further with resemblance to this relation

One quote never gets old: “Once you find a job you love, you’ll never work again,” (and that is figuratively speaking, of course!) I always try to define or pinpoint my interests and develop them as much further as I can. For example, web development has always been a field of interest to me. At one point I was seeking development of dynamic interfaces, where a direct client-server connection is present. I put [hours, days, months…] into extensively analyzing, interpreting and programming web applications, and yet, never did it feel like “work”. A mere interest in web development triggered what is, more or less, an expertise in server-side programming and database administration and different programming techniques (procedural, object-oriented, etc…) This, I believe, is exactly what the mentioned quote talks about—find an interest and building up on it.

While my talk of web development hints towards an anticipation of a computer science degree, I want, quite to the contrary, to be an Electrical Engineer. Applications of Electrical Engineering never cease to fascinate me, specifically Logic Control and Automation. Data Communication and Antenna Propagation, Electromagnetism, and Microwave are other fields of interests. A direct yet quiet funny quote about engineers demonstrates their importance in the industry and in society is: “The machine unmakes the man. Now that the machine is so perfect, the engineer is nobody.”

People around me, surely enough, are what inspire and support such aspirations that I speak of. I would like to show my gratitude towards ***, my parents, my sisters and brother, and everyone who have contributed to the shaping of myself and helped me overwhelm all the difficulties I have encountered in my life. Also, I owe it to school for making me the most courageous and determined out of me. No doubt, the local community have readily prepared me to life and made me a communicative sort of person. Also, clubs which made me practice swimming, table-tennis, and basketball to a higher extent have willingly raised my triumph.
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thanks in advance for anyones help..

EDIT: the limit is 500 words, and please do point out if I'm out of topic.. thanks!

College Essay proofread..

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