Peaceblinkfriend Posted 19 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Any suggestions about this descriptive writing? thanks a lot.
0 01 b 00 Do have any suggestions about this descriptive writing? Please correct my writing. Thanks a lot. 02 b 02 br
02 br
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes two modestly dressed old men were walking together. 02 br
02 br
00 The air was cold this autumn evening. So was the atmosphere. The Kentkoch had advanced to the Soire Lake and it wouldn't be ling before the allies had to retreat. Time was running out. 02 br
02 br
00 "The commander-in-chief wouldn't be able to stand against the advancing germans," Farach, one of the old men said in a uncertain voice. The forest they were walking in was unusually quiet. There were no bird's songs, no wind blowing, just the occasional vigourous exploding sounds from the east. The quietness was the reason Farach had chosen this place. 02 br
02 br
00 The old men had sorrowful faces. They had faces of philosophers who were thinking deeply about the meaning of life. Understandable. No one would haveev ever thought of this happening. Lochev replied, "We must deploy it. We have no choice." His voice was filled with both determination and despair. 02 br
02 br
00 The walked down the path, not knowing they had just made a decision that would completely change the world. 01 i 02 br
02 br
02 i 01 b 00 Best wishes, 02 br
00 Ernest 02 b 0-
02 br
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes two modestly dressed old men were walking together. 02 br
02 br
00 The air was cold this autumn evening. So was the atmosphere. The Kentkoch had advanced to the Soire Lake and it wouldn't be ling before the allies had to retreat. Time was running out. 02 br
02 br
00 "The commander-in-chief wouldn't be able to stand against the advancing germans," Farach, one of the old men said in a uncertain voice. The forest they were walking in was unusually quiet. There were no bird's songs, no wind blowing, just the occasional vigourous exploding sounds from the east. The quietness was the reason Farach had chosen this place. 02 br
02 br
00 The old men had sorrowful faces. They had faces of philosophers who were thinking deeply about the meaning of life. Understandable. No one would haveev ever thought of this happening. Lochev replied, "We must deploy it. We have no choice." His voice was filled with both determination and despair. 02 br
02 br
00 The walked down the path, not knowing they had just made a decision that would completely change the world. 01 i 02 br
02 br
02 i 01 b 00 Best wishes, 02 br
00 Ernest 02 b 0-
Top answer
0 Hi Peaceblinkfriend, 02 br 02 br 00 I like it. 02 br 02 br 00 I only have a few suggestions. 01 blockquote 00 The sun was setting.
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0 Hi Peaceblinkfriend, 02 br
02 br
00 I like it. It keeps me wondering what will happen next and I want to read more. 02 br
02 br
00 I only have a few suggestions. Feel free to ignore them since I'm not exactly an expert around here. 01 blockquote
02 br
00 I like it. It keeps me wondering what will happen next and I want to read more. 02 br
02 br
00 I only have a few suggestions. Feel free to ignore them since I'm not exactly an expert around here. 01 blockquote
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes two 11 b 10 modestly 12 b 10
00
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0 Thank you for your comments, suggestions and complement, Julie. 05 0 00 I really appreciate it. 02 br
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00 This is my second attempt. I would very much appreciate any comments or suggestions from you all. It would be wonderful if you could correct it. Thank you. 02 br
02 hr
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes, two modestly dres
02 br
00 This is my second attempt. I would very much appreciate any comments or suggestions from you all. It would be wonderful if you could correct it. Thank you. 02 br
02 hr
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes, two modestly dres
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I will appreciate any and every suggestion. 
Best wishes,
PBF
Best wishes,
PBF
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Something I tried in my creative writing course: cut up the piece, rearrange them, and along the way, discover a better way of telling the story. For example:
Peaceblinkfriend
The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes, two modestly dressed old men were walking together. One of the men, Farach, was wearing a badge of the Kentsink Republic. Lochev, the
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You can also try having the characters interact more with the environment.
e.g.
Snowy season was still a month away, yet Lochev, in his (whatever he's wearing), couldn't stop trembling. (Readers now wonder if he's afraid or if he's really cold.) He looked around him. (Then describe what he saw.) "Are you sure no one is overhearing us?" Lochev asked.
Farach listened. (No
e.g.
Snowy season was still a month away, yet Lochev, in his (whatever he's wearing), couldn't stop trembling. (Readers now wonder if he's afraid or if he's really cold.) He looked around him. (Then describe what he saw.) "Are you sure no one is overhearing us?" Lochev asked.
Farach listened. (No
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