\n“The Chaos” by Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenit\u00e9 first appeared (in a shorter version) in an appendix to his textbook Drop Your Foreign Accent, published in 1920.<\/p>\n\n\n
Dearest creature<\/em> in Creation<\/em>, Pray<\/em>, console your loving poet, Now I surely will not plague<\/em> you Hear me say, devoid<\/em> of trickery: From “desire”: desirable–admirable<\/em> from “admire”; Banquet<\/em> is not nearly parquet<\/em>, Rounded, wounded; grieve<\/em> and sieve<\/em>; Leeches, breeches; wise, precise; But it is not hard to tell P ussy, hussy,<\/em> and possess<\/em>, Making, it is sad but true, Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier, Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw, Now you need not pay attention No, my maiden, coy and comely<\/em>, Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. <\/em>Surely Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite, Shoes, goes, does<\/em>. Now first say: finger<\/em>; Faugh, oppugnant<\/em>, keen oppugners, Reefer<\/em> does not rhyme with deafer<\/em>, Say manoeuvre, yacht<\/em> and vomit<\/em>, Compare alien<\/em> with Italian<\/em>,
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse<\/em>, and worse<\/em>.
I will keep you, Susy, busy<\/em>,
Make your head<\/em> with heat<\/em> grow dizzy;
Tear<\/em> in eye, your dress you’ll tear<\/em>;
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Make my coat look new<\/em>, dear, sew<\/em> it!
Just compare heart, beard<\/em>, and heard<\/em>,
Dies<\/em> and diet<\/em>, lord<\/em> and word<\/em>.
Sword<\/em> and sward<\/em>, retain<\/em> and Britain<\/em>
(Mind the latter, how it’s written!)
Made<\/em> has not the sound of bade<\/em>,
Say-said, pay-paid, laid<\/em>, but plaid<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
With such words as vague<\/em> and ague<\/em>,
But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak<\/em>, but bleak<\/em> and streak<\/em>.
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via;
Pipe, snipe, recipe<\/em> and choir<\/em>,
Cloven, oven; how<\/em> and low<\/em>;
Script, receipt; shoe, poem, toe<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Daughter, laughter<\/em> and Terpsichore,
Typhoid; measles, topsails, aisles;
Exiles, similes, reviles;
Wholly, holly; signal, signing;
Thames; examining, combining;
Scholar, vicar,<\/em> and cigar<\/em>,
Solar, mica, war<\/em>, and far<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Lumber, plumber, bier<\/em>, but brier<\/em>;
Chatham, brougham; renown<\/em> but known,
Knowledge; done<\/em>, but gone<\/em> and tone<\/em>,
One, anemone; Balmoral;
Kitchen, lichen; laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German; wind<\/em> and mind<\/em>;
Scene, Melpomene, mankind;
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois<\/em>-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather<\/em>.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Billet<\/em> does not end like ballet<\/em>;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Blood<\/em> and flood<\/em> are not like food<\/em>,
Nor is mould<\/em> like should<\/em> and would<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Which is said to rhyme with “darky.”
Viscous, viscount; load <\/em>and broad<\/em>;
Toward<\/em>, to forward<\/em>, to reward<\/em>,
And your pronunciation’s OK.<\/p>\n\n\n
Friend<\/em> and fiend<\/em>; alive<\/em> and live<\/em>.
Liberty, library; heave<\/em> and heaven<\/em>;
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven<\/em>,
We say hallowed<\/em>, but allowed<\/em>;
People, leopard; towed<\/em>, but vowed<\/em>.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover<\/em>,<\/p>\n\n\n
Chalice<\/em> but police<\/em> and lice<\/em>.
Camel, constable, unstable;
Principle, disciple; label;
Petal, penal<\/em>, and canal<\/em>;
Wait, surmise, plait, promise; pal.
Suit, suite, ruin; circuit, conduit<\/em>
Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it.”<\/p>\n\n\n
Why it’s pall, mall<\/em>, but Pall Mall<\/em>.
Muscle, muscular; gaol, iron;
Timber, climber; bullion, lion,
Worm<\/em> and storm; chaise, chaos, chair;
Senator, spectator, mayor<\/em>.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour<\/em>
And enamour<\/em> rime with “hammer.”<\/p>\n\n\n
Desert,<\/em> but desert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants<\/em>
Hoist in lieu<\/em> of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
Cow,<\/em> but Cowper, some,<\/em> and home<\/em>.
“Solder, soldier!<\/em> Blood is thicker,”
Quoth he, “than liqueur<\/em> or liquor<\/em>,”<\/p>\n\n\n
In bravado<\/em>, much ado<\/em>.
Stranger<\/em> does not rhyme with anger<\/em>,
Neither does devour<\/em> with clangour<\/em>.
Pilot, pivot, gaunt,<\/em> but aunt<\/em>,
Font, front, wont, want, grand<\/em>, and grant<\/em>.
Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose,<\/em> and close<\/em>, but close,
Paradise, rise, rose,<\/em> and dose<\/em>.
Say inveigh, neigh,<\/em> but inveigle,<\/em>
Make the latter rhyme with eagle<\/em>.
Mind! Meandering<\/em> but mean<\/em>,
Valentine<\/em> and magazine<\/em>.
And I bet you, dear, a penny<\/em>,
You say mani-(fold)<\/em> like many<\/em>,<\/p>\n\n\n
Tier<\/em> (one who ties<\/em>), but tier<\/em>.
Arch, archangel<\/em>; pray, does erring<\/em>
Rhyme with herring<\/em> or with stirring<\/em>?
Prison, bison, treasure trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove,
Perseverance, severance. Ribald<\/em>
Rhymes (but piebald<\/em> doesn’t) with nibbled<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw<\/em>.
Don’t be down<\/em>, my own<\/em>, but rough<\/em> it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet<\/em>;
Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
Worcester, Boleyn,<\/em> to impugn.
Say in sounds correct and sterling<\/em>
Hearse, hear, hearken, year<\/em> and yearling<\/em>.
Evil, devil, mezzotint<\/em>,
Mind the Z<\/em>! (A gentle hint.)<\/p>\n\n\n
To such sounds as I don’t mention,
Sounds like pores, pause, pours<\/em> and paws<\/em>,
Rhyming with the pronoun yours<\/em>;
Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny rhymes to unicorn<\/em>,
Yes, you know them, Vaughan<\/em> and Strachan<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
I don’t want to speak of Cholmondeley<\/em>.
No. Yet Froude<\/em> compared with proud<\/em>
Is no better than McLeod<\/em>.
But mind trivial<\/em> and vial<\/em>,
Tripod, menial, denial,
Troll<\/em> and trolley, realm<\/em> and ream<\/em>,
Schedule, mischief, schism<\/em>, and scheme<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh<\/em>,
But you’re not supposed to say
Piquet<\/em> rhymes with sobriquet<\/em>.
Had this invalid invalid<\/em>
Worthless documents? How pallid<\/em>,
How uncouth he, couchant, looked<\/em>,
When for Portsmouth I had booked!<\/p>\n\n\n
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
Episodes, antipodes,
Acquiesce<\/em>, and obsequies<\/em>.
Please don’t monkey with the geyser<\/em>,
Don’t peel ‘taters with my razor<\/em>,
Rather say in accents pure:
Nature, stature<\/em> and mature.
Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
Wan, sedan<\/em> and artisan<\/em>.
The TH<\/em> will surely trouble you
More than R, CH<\/em> or W<\/em>.
Say then these phonetic gems:
Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.
Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham<\/em>,
There are more but I forget ’em-
Wait! I’ve got it: Anthony<\/em>,
Lighten your anxiety.
The archaic word albeit<\/em>
Does not rhyme with eight-you see it;
With<\/em> and forthwith<\/em>, one has voice,
One has not, you make your choice.<\/p>\n\n\n
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze<\/em> and gauge<\/em>,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,
Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry fury, bury,
Dost, lost, post<\/em>, and doth, cloth, loth,
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
Holm<\/em> you know, but noes, canoes,
Puisne, truism, use<\/em>, to use<\/em>?
Though the difference seems little<\/em>,
We say actual<\/em>, but victual<\/em>,
Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
Put, nut, granite<\/em>, and unite<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Feoffer<\/em> does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, senate<\/em>, but sedate.
Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour<\/em>, but our, dour, succour, four,
Gas, alas<\/em>, and Arkansas<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Next omit<\/em>, which differs from it<\/em>
Bona fide, alibi
Gyrate, dowry and awry.
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria<\/em>, but malaria<\/em>.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse<\/em> and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n
Dandelion<\/em> with battalion<\/em>,
Rally<\/em> with ally; yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay<\/em>!
Say aver<\/em>, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver<\/em>.
Never guess–it is not safe<\/em>,
We say calves, valves, half<\/em>, but